Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Conservative Tears FRIDAY!

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“In the end, Republicans could get the House, Democrats could hold the Senate, and your Thanksgiving dinner will still be a disaster.”
—Jimmy Fallon

“When it comes to the state of Pennsylvania, why did Dr. Oz lose? Well, it looks like—according to the exit polling—it’s because Fetterman won.”
—Brilliant analysis from Fox & Friends host Steve Doocy

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“Democrat Maxwell Frost became the first member of Generation Z elected to Congress, while Chuck Grassley recorded another win for Generation Zzzzzzzz…”
—Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump Jr. mocked the attack on Nancy Pelosi’s husband by posting an image of a hammer and a pair of underpants with the message: Got my Paul Pelosi Halloween costume ready. I would agree that Don Jr. is probably the expert in getting hammered in your underwear.”
—Colin Jost, SNL

And now, our feature presentation…

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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 11, 2022

Note: If you’re still in line, stay in line. Especially if you’re in line at Panda Express. Bring me back some orange chicken and 120 crab rangoons, please. I’ll pay you on Tuesday.

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By the Numbers:

Days ’til Festivus: 42

Days ’til the Mountain Mandarin Festival in Auburn, California: 7

Percent of voters between 18-29 polled by Edison Research who voted for the House Democratic candidate on their ballot Tuesday, versus 35% who voted for the Republican: 63%

Percent chance that REPUBLICANS ARE IN DISARRAY!!!!  100%

Number of military veterans who called Maine home as of the 2020 U.S,. Census, 9.7% of our adult population: 105,385  

Number of Teslas recalled this week because they might accidentally steer you into a telephone pole, oncoming traffic, or a laid-off Twitter employee: 40,000

Number of marching bands that’ll be in this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade: 12

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…

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CHEERS to our men and women in uniform.  Today is Veterans Day. The memory of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan (the latter mercifully ended by President Biden last year) have burned into this country’s brain the fact that military service is a grueling, unpredictable and uncompromising challenge that often means paying a heavy and unexpected price in the pursuit of politician-selected goals that are not always noble or necessary. The military is where we go to become trained killers-of-bad-people and destroyer-of-bad-things in defense of our country, while at the same time serving as de facto U.S. ambassadors when we’re on foreign turf. And while we could go on and on about how our armed forces have been kicking ass for over 246 years—not to mention how two years ago we replaced a Commander-in-Chief who referred to our military as “losers” and “suckers” with a new one who ends his speeches with “May God protect our troops”—we’ll leave it, as always, at a simple…

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CHEERS to fun with numbers. The midterm elections are finally in the $17 billion million rear-view mirror. Now that things have settled down a bit, it’s time for the media to advance from its “Democrats are gonna get shellacked!” mass hysteria to Phase 2: the takeaways in which they take absolutely no responsibility for their shitty predictions. Let us count a few:

The New York Times has 5 takeaways

CNN has 12 takeaways

Philadelphia Magazine has 4 takeaways

NBC News has 5 takeaways

The Louisville Courier-Journal has 3 takeaways

New York magazine has 7 takeaways

Connecticut Public Radio has 3 takeaways

The Minneapolis Star Tribune has 5 takeaways

KOSU has 6 takeaways

PoliticsNY has 4 takeaways

Some guy at The Hill has 1 BIGGEST takeaway

My takeaway: Democrats rule, Republicans drool. (I’m a stickler for simplicity. And accuracy.)

CHEERS and “Alki!” to the Evergreen State.  Washington was admitted as our 42nd state on November 11, 1889. It’s a very cool state—pot has been legal for a long time, the government is Big D, and Seattle is like the upper-left thumbtack that keeps our country’s map from curling down towards the red states in the middle.  To mark the occasion, some people might enjoy biting into a nice juicy Washington apple.  Here, help yourself…

Personally, I prefer to drink mine.  Mainly because noshing on healthy food gives my liver a false sense of hope.

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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CHEERS to home vegetation. I dunno…I can’t decide if I should spend the weekend soaking in a nice borax bath to suck the government nanotechnology out of my pores, or watch some TV. If the latter, there are few odds and ends worth watching, starting with the MSNBC lineup for the latest election updates. Hell, even HBO’s Real Time at 10 might be worth a look because Bill Maher has three decent guests: re-elected Colorado Gov. Jared Polis (D), Rep. Rho Khanna (D-CA), and reporter Robert Costa. New episodes of Penn & Teller: Fool Us and Whose Line air at 8 on the CW. At 11 on The Graham Norton Show (BBC America), the lineup includes Bruce Springsteen and actress Anya Taylor-Joy.

The new movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (This week’s big release is Wakanda Forever.) Dave Chappelle hosts SNL. The NFL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. Also: tomorrow and Sunday afternoon, NBC lists a figure skating event as the “ISU Grand Prix,” which I guess means figure skaters driving around the rink in Formula One cars???

An update on that condominium collapse in Florida is the lead story Sunday on 60 Minutes, along with the effort by Lithuanians to save Jewish artifacts from the Nazis during World War II.  Lisa threatens to expose Homer’s terrible parenting on The Simpsons, and on Family Guy Peter and Lois take a getaway to Vermont. And John Oliver, who did a great piece last week on how Republicans are still plotting to steal future elections, returns for a fresh post-election edition of HBO’s Last Week Tonight (Sunday, 11pm).

Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:

Meet the Press: White House Senior Advisor Anita Dunn; Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA); Sen. Bill Cassidy (The Cult-LA).

This Week: Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi; Gov. Chris Sununu (The Cult-NH).

Face the Nation: Rep. jamie Raskin (D-MD); Sen. Tom Cotton (The Cult-AR); White House Senior Advisor Anita Dunn.

CNN’s State of the Union: Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi; Gov.-elect Josh Shapiro (D-PA); Newly-reelected Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-MI); outgoing Gov. Larry Hogan (R-MD).

Fox Mug of GOP Tears Sunday: Gov.-elect Wes Moore (D-MD); Rep. Jim Banks (The Cult-IN).

Happy viewing!

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Ten years ago in C&J: November 11, 2012

JEERS to The United $tates election $ystem. It $till $ucks. The financing, election supervision, the lines, the attempted voter suppression, the rich ladies in non-stop GOP SuperPAC ads complaining about how terrible their life is from inside their million-dollar homes… Boy, do we need to fix this shit. [11/11/22 Update: Still not fixed.]

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And just one more…

JEERS to partly sunny skies with a chance of flying blubber.  Ever wonder why no one blows up dead whales anymore?  Great question!  On Sunday’s date in 1970, the Oregon Highway Division, which apparently controls what goes on down at the shoreline too, thought they could get rid of a rotting beached whale by “vaporizing it” with dynamite and turning it into bite-size snacks for the local blubber-eating wildlife.  But it didn’t quite turn out that way.  Behold our annual play-by-play of the “exploding whale incident,” which features some of the most hilarious news copy I’ve ever heard outside of a sitcom, delivered to perfection by reporter Paul Linnman:

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Join us next week when we’ll explain why they don’t do turkey drops anymore, either.

Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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